Watching Him Break...

Church, worship...two of many words that mean different
things to different people depending on who they are, what
they've experienced and who they know God to be.

This weekend for me, worship happened
at the very end of everything when I noticed
the couple I was sitting behind,
an infinitely kind couple that I know
a little and respect profoundly.

They are well educated, well read, have formidable resumes
in their respective professions, have raised an outstanding family,
serve God faithfully, contribute to their communities.
They are in a word, exemplary.

Of the couple, SHE has cancer AGAIN.
Please bear with me, I know this has been a theme of late.
CANCER...it's dark. It's depressing. It's a demon.

I feel like I'm in the eye of a storm, safe and protected.
I don't have cancer nor does anyone in my intimate circle
of friends and family. BUT...

All around me, on every side, lately, I see someone
raging in this battle. I'm tired of seeing people
suffer from this disease. Lives are being decimated
and families are left mangled in the aftermath.
I don't understand but I know I HATE it.

SO...sitting behind this amazing couple on Sunday,
I watch as she struggles to stand, struggles to sit.
The struggle is not obvious. She looks radiant, in fact.
But, her movements are very slow, full of intention.
She moves like someone experiencing strong,
consistent pain. STILL she is RADIANT to me.
He is there. She is radiant to him too. He assists.
He loves SILENTLY with his unfaltering proximity.
They worship. Standing and sitting, singing
when appropriate...just like everyone in the room.

Then during the Jeremy Riddle song posted below
following a sermon about how God desires us
to be authentic with him, to rejoice and praise
but also to LAMENT and cry out...

This well-educated, composed, profoundly respectable man
standing next to his very ill wife...HE CRACKS.

It wasn't obvious. You had to have been paying attention.
It wasn't ugly. It wasn't anything I expected.
It was BEAUTIFUL.
And like the picture of broken glass above,
he was suddenly shot through with light...Holy Light.
He raised his hands in the most genuine expression
of praise that I've seen in a long time and
with his strong shoulders quaking,
He LAMENTED before God.
He COMPLETELY surrendered it...
the struggle they're fighting, the demon-beast
cancer, the burden they daily bear.
I think, He even surrendered her.

I was blessed to WATCH GOD take
that ugly, revolting, black, thick, life-stealing
burden that cancer has placed on them
COMPLETELY off of and away from that man.

Then, right there in that moment, that seemed to contain
all moments, my own worship FULLY bloomed
and I found myself briefly applauding
the exquisite act of faith and submission,
that I am so grateful to have borne witness to,
and God, HIMself.

Words never rang more true...
Sweetly Broken, Wholly Surrendered.
It's what I want to be.