Not Me Monday

This is MckMama's Blog Carnival. You can jump to her site here and
find out what everyone at the carnival is Not Me-ing.

It is NOT ME who thinks the new logo is perfect because
I am a sUpAmom with a shiny, gold halo representing my
utter perfection JUST LIKE in the image.

NOT ME who had to STICK pretty, pretty princess
niece Z, THREE TIMES, while giving her shot to her because
DUMB shot pen would not engage properly. Her momma is
on her honeymoon. Uh, NOT ME who repeatedly called
said honeymooners over and over again, REPEATEDLY,
SO not caring about their possible...uhm... "activities"
to deal with shot giving issues. Also, NOT ME
who then proceeded to blow out BRAND NEW VIAL
of FREAKISHLY expensive medication when trying to change
over the vial. Finally NOT ME who came home
and blended a blissfully fruity, frozen drink
with a double shot of ABSOLUT VODKA.

NOT ME who sat her NOT BIG butt down on
the couch with her fruity frozen lush...I mean, slush
and proceeded to attempt to edit html code
in various and vain efforts to fix really cool but
highly frustrating tag cloud WHILE her children
and in-laws did little baby poppers and sparklers out back.
NOT ME who realized that drinking VODKA twice a
year and then trying to write html code doesn't really work.

NOT ME who is addicted to Twitter.

NOT ME who HATES fireworks and seriously questions
the intelligence of nearly ALL the neighborhood dads who,
with deranged looks in their eyes, (I SAW the look, smarty-pants,
as they lit EXPLODING stuff while I DROVE PAST)
set off what had to be hundreds of dollars worth of
retardo-bombs on the 4th of July IN THE RAIN.
IN THE RAIN...when NO ONE could see them and
when they fizzled, sputtered and died before they
even got 10 feet in the air while their kids also
stood out IN THE RAIN!

NOT ME who winced painfully as stylist CHOPPED 4 year-old's
gorgeous curly locks into a shorter, cooler, wavy cut for summer per
his ADAMANT request to have "FLAT" hair like his brother.

NOT ME who WISHES that they would just bury
Michael Jackson already and let the poor man and all
his family rest in peace. NOT ME who wonders if
all news has become not-really-entertainment news.

NOT ME who has been PUSHING (only a little)
leftovers on house guests. What? They're family.

NOT ME who ain't sad to see this week go,
praying next NOT ME MONDAY will
be lighter and more fun...

Not Me Monday...

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by
MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what
she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

NOT ME who got into a domestic dispute with an ink pen
while trying to force my washer into the spin cycle causing
belligerent ink pen to EXPLODE in my hands making me
look like a Smurf murderer.

NOT ME who called Sears at 10:30 at night begging
for a technician to visit IMMEDIATELY.

NOT ME who chased lightning bugs by myself in the yard
after I mowed and then yelled for the 4 year-old to come
out and take a peek in my hand cuz I had caught Tinker Bell.
(He bought it).

NOT ME who FAILED to re-apply sunscreen to my entire
family's pale, winterized bodies resulting in family-wide
pink crispiness. NOT ME who dowsed everyone with
straight vinegar stinkin' up the joint.

NOT ME who got locked in the bathroom at the gym.
It was NOT ME that the owner had to let out with the
key. It was NOT ME who was scared of getting locked
in AGAIN when taking the 4 year-old to the bathroom
a little while later. It was NOT ME who felt
really stupid when 4 year-old had NO trouble
getting out of the bathroom door.

NOT ME who ignored terribly messy house
and took a nap.

NOT ME who is hormonally munchie
and ate 6 Funyuns, a 100 calorie snickers
and a pickle in the span of 13 minutes.
(seriously...don't mess with me...)

Not Me Monday!

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by
MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what
she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

This is NOT what my children are doing RIGHT NOW after
we set a less TV goal for summer ....
(in our defense Eli is sick which was one of our outs.)

This is not my hand spraying Redi -Whip into the
4 year old's mouth after he asked so nicely for me to do it while
he rummaged through the fridge.
I do NOT have such unwholesome, chemically processed
foods available in my house.
(Look, you can actually see his mouth fill up in the shot series!)

This is NOT my ill (3 and 1/2 solid weeks of stomach flu,
then strep then an ear infection...gads) 10 year old TOTALLY
getting the shaft with the spontaneous Redi-Whip dispersal
(Look, you can so see his mouth NOT filling up in the photo series).

(The can is truly not empty
because my husband suggestively showed up with it during
one of my showers this week (HEY, we're married, cope!).
I mean, what does he not think
it is...his birthday or something?
OH, dang...wait... (Oooohhhh!
Whose gonna be FORTY this week?))

I did NOT type that last bit "under my breath"
in a small font to make it like I didn't
really type it at all. I will NOT remember
that Matt's grandma and co-workers
occasionally read this blog. I am
NOT grinning wickedly right now.

This is not my stupid carpet cleaner after I did NOT drop a
STUPID smoothie on the kitchen floor on Saturday which
SHOT LIKE HELL (I did NOT just type shot like hell)
across the entire kitchen into the livingroom creating
a GARGANTUAN mess of ooze and stick
which I did NOT decide to ignore and go ahead across the street
to the yard sale with my 4 year old because he had a whole,
big 50 cents burning a hole in his little pocket.
The STUPID but insidously yummy smoothie recipe is not in my
first appearance as a guest blogger
on my gym's website. You can NOT go look at it here...

I have NOT decided to break up with cheese in an attempt
to promote my weight loss goals for the summer.
I most certainly do NOT love and
adore all cheeses. I have NOT become addicted to grilled
sandwiches made with drunken goat cheese.
I do NOT need cheese rehab.

My new best friend is NOT all the lovely nectarines
that are currently in season, right, blessedly, now. My new
relationship with nectarines is NOT
really helping me get over my tryst with cheese.
(It would be SO NICE if cheese would just stop calling me.
I told cheese that it was me, not him
but he doesn't believe me.) I am NOT personifying
my relationships with
food. I'm NOT completely CRAZY...

"Not Me Monday"

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by
MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what
she and everyone else have not been doing this week.


The untold dangers of driving with your cell phone
and NOT TALKING on it...LABEL ME EXPLICIT!
THIS is your last warning.

This will be short...I will only share this only one time.
I will not respond to ANY questions...

IT WAS NOT ME who had her phone on vibrate
because she had been in a meeting. IT WAS NOT ME who made
a quick call while pulling out of the parking lot to check on kids.
It WAS ME who got off the cell-phone, IN THE CAR,
quickly, because she was driving. IT WAS NOT ME who
thought the best place for the phone was between my
knees so I could quickly free my hands. IT WAS NOT ME
who briefly forgot about where I had stored my cell phone
set to VIBRATE as I drove home. IT WAS NOT ME
who had to brake several times on the way home
each time scooting the cell-phone a little further
back from its starting location between my knees to its
final resting place between my...ahem..thighs. IT WAS NOT ME
who got quite a...uh, well...JAZZY little
shock a few minutes later...when (THANK GOD) it was her
husband who called and set sneaky cell-phone to
buzzing in a sensitive location. (Can you imagine if it had
been, oh, I dunno, the principal or the pastor or
something! I'd have died!) IT WAS NOT ME who nearly peed her
pants laughing (do you suppose that would have shorted the
phone? Would the warranty cover that you think?)
all the rest of the way home.

I mean, personally, between you and me...a kiss from my husband
and I'm all tingly but this was just a little
different. Matt, baby, you're so good!

I DID NOT post this. I WILL LIE and DENY
if you try to speak to me in person about this post.
My cell phone and I ARE NOT that close. It's over.
IT NEVER HAPPENED.



Hey, Matt? Honey, can you call me?

Not Me Monday - Double Whammy!

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by
MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what
she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

It WAS NOT ME who did not post her "Not Me Monday" last week because everyone in the whole house was getting sick.

It IS NOT ME who is gonna post a huge one, right now, that will most certainly count for two weeks.

It WAS NOT ME who was at various Drs. Offices Tuesday through Thursday sometimes multiple times a day. It is not my entire family who is on some form of antibiotic. The picture below is not proof.


It WAS NOT ME who managed to keep track of everyone else's various medications only to over-medicated myself on Zyrtec TWICE. (Okay, listen...we had two ear-infections, one sinus infection, pink-eye and a ruptured ear drum JUST last week. I was a bit addled.)

It WAS NOT ME who offered EVERYTHING short of women and liquor to my 4 year-old if he would just be still and relax while I squirted antibiotic eye-ointment into his lower eyelid. The bribe list did not include coke, chips, gummy bears, TV shows, presents and unlimited access to his brother's toys. It was also not me who got fairly adept at pinning his little screaming body down while pulling open his tightly shut eyelids and squirting a 1/4 inch strip of the damn ointment in his eye while he was hollering bloody murder and then give him the agreed upon bribe anyways. It was not me who vehemently thought that someone should be around to BRIBE ME to put the medicine in. It WOULD NOT BE ME who would TOTALLY accept bribes for that.

It WAS NOT ME who plotted various forms of torture for doctors and pharmacologists who develop such medications that have to be administered to small children in such ridiculously difficult ways. It was also not me who was immediately repentant and overwhelmingly thankful for medication and easy access to it only to start the hate/love process all over again during the next wrestling match to get the eye-ointment in yet again. THREE TIMES A DAY!!!!

It WAS NOT ME who got hopelessly behind on laundry with everyone's ears and noses and eyes leaking contaminate goo.

It WAS NOT ME who was silly enough to take a picture of the size of my new jeans from the consignment store just to help myself believe it was actually true.


It WAS NOT ME who cleaned out the freezer and then proceeded to concoct a bizarre cake from freezer contents that did not get tossed out. It was not my husband and children who happily, greedily, gobbled down weird cake affectionately dubbed "glop cake" since in order to get into the jeans pictured above, I don't bake anything lately.


It WAS NOT ME who didn't realize that the evite invitation that I received for a celebratory kegger from someone I didn't know was not, in fact, generated FROM my evite account. It was not me who in a horrified impetus called the host of the kegger and left her a message to get her own freakin' account because mine was for ministry purposes and I couldn't have kegger invitations sent to the parents receiving respite from our ministry at church. It was not me who then REALIZED that it was an inadvertant invitation NOT generated from my account. It was not me who then left kegger host another message apologizing profusely about the mix up and my haste. It was not me who got a call back from seriously amused kegger host further explaining the mistaken invitation. It was not me who realized that kegger host was a friend of a friend who would no doubt soon know about my lunacy. It was not me who then seriously wished that I was really invited to said kegger after the stupid, STUPID week I'd had.

Lord help me! I'm CRAZY!

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by
MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what
she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

My boys and I most certainly did NOT totally enjoy a rare day off
from school by sleeping in until 9am and then proceed to
spend the day in my bed watching tv, playing on the computer,
swapping out various video games and reading.

We did NOT eat pop-tarts in the bed for breakfast and then
mini-sandwiches, apples, and chips for lunch in bed AGAIN after
we had seriously contemplated not getting up AT ALL.

The four-year old did NOT repeatedly suggest that we "just starve"
until daddy got home to feed us so that we wouldn't have to
actually get out of the bed.

Nor did we all sit glued to Disney XD and watch
the Phineas and Ferb marathon. We did not all sing in unison
loudly, badly the theme song at the beginning of each half-hour episode.

We did not finally pick-up, shower, and fix dinner at
5pm so that we'd be all tidy for daddy when he got home
to prevent him from witnessing our total slacker day
(even though he already knows and loves us anyway).

We are not STILL sitting in the same bed, right now,
all shiny-clean hanging out until bedtime.

We do NOT love and long for lazy days like this!

We do not adamantly wish that we had at least one day a week
just like this to pile up like puppies in the big bed
and do all the things we love best with each other.

We ARE so THANKFUL to God for our safe, comfortable HOME
and peaceful, quiet times together.

Have a great week! Schedule a lazy day and enjoy it!

Not Me Monday...

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by
MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what
she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

It was not me who seriously considered approaching nice, pretty, respectful, wholesome, and stunningly intelligent, teen-age fitness instructor at kid-gym with the proposition that she voluntarily freeze herself with some sort of state of the art, deep space-travel type of cryogenic technology and await my oldest son's coming of age so that he could marry her.

Also, not me, who over Sunday brunch, SERIOUSLY, inquired of the potentially betrothed nine-year old groom, if he thought she was cute. Not me, who spun gloriously, fantastic tale of an arranged marriage with the junior-in-high-school-fitness-instructor that makes him do push-ups just to freak him out as he was eating his brunch slurping up runny egg-yolks to gross out his dad who hates any egg that is not scrambled. Needless to say, he was more interested in the fear-factor element that he was bringing to the table for his dad than the great girl I was trying to get him to crush on. (Please, God, let him have good, beautiful, pure taste in women and pick someone like Elise!)

It would NEVER be me *gasp* who would wave the white flag of surrender and quit, entirely, trying to get both sons to stop turning every toy, some furniture, most utensils and their entire little bodies into guns, swords and various other pieces of weaponry for constant pretend shoot-outs, sword fights, light saber battles, launches, and Tai-Chi showdowns AND assist whining 4 year-old testosterone-junkie who could not figure out how to help Obi-Wan escape his liquid suspension incarceration cell on the Wii by taking my light saber (Wii remote) and attacking the Lego Clone Troopers in my immediate vicinity.

It was not me, in same attempt to help Obi-Wan, who took off FOUR heads of little Lego bad guys in my first two swings with my Wii remote light saber ON ACCIDENT bringing my exuberant 4 year-old macho man to his feet howling with delight. Ugh...

Not me, who crinkled up my book-snob nose at my book club's potentially STINKY suggestion that we read "Twilight" *current insanely popular teenage romance novel and movie* and then haughtily acquire it from my teenage niece exclaiming that I couldn't believe that we were gonna read this prepubescent...scratch that...fully-pubescent drivel and then proceed to read it through in a single day. I would NEVER do that. (It was rainy...everyone was quiet and sleepy and I had a book in my hand, what would you do?)

Not me, who went to teenage niece the very next day for the second book and realizing she wasn't home basically broke into her room and got the sequel out of her nightstand anyways. Also, not me who totally got busted when she walked in on me as I was getting it. It was not me who then got laughed at.

Not me who then went downstairs and shared parts of an ice-cream sandwich and three giant pickles with little 5 year-old niece as she repeatedly reminded me how much she likes my pancakes while she kept trying to make biscuits. (I reckon she was hungry.)

AND it was not me, never, NO, never who played "Hug and Nap" with my 4 year-old ninja after getting his brother on the bus until 12:00 pm today (YEP, LADIES, THAT'S NOON) while the "hugee" got to watch THREE BIG, FAT HOURS of PBS. I, of course, was not, would never be, the "napper". (Jealous? If you've never played "Hug and Nap" with a toddler, you've not lived. Naps are luxurious even when they're naps filled with mommy-sleep...Ahhhhhh, yes!)

Have a good week of total mommy perfection everyone! I know I will!

:) Jeri

Not Me! Monday! Noobie

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

This is my first "Not Me! Monday!" post...bear with me, please.
I mean, I'll probably pull it off great because, like you, I'm freakin'
perfect, but would you be patient nonetheless? Thnx. :)

It was not me who TOTALLY copy-catted off her friend
Bethany and joined MckMama's blog carnival...

Also, not me, who copy-catted AGAIN and outright stole
her little sister's cool blog ideas and even used the same picture
when playing at http://www.picnik.com.

Nope, not me who would EVER sit in a kitchen full of
dirty dishes at 3pm after having served scrambled eggs
(with peppers and mushrooms) to my children for lunch at 2pm
(they slept in...there's no school...sheesh!
who wakes their kids up just to feed them at a reasonable
hour? Insanity!) and blog instead of cleaning up.

It would never be me who would tell sweet, handsome
and wonderful 9 year old son to just eat the dang eggs
and quit picking out the peppers and mushrooms that he hates so.
For, we all know, that I AM the type of mother who ALWAYS
makes all of your favorites, regardless of what is in the fridge
needing to be cooked, so that life is forever deliciously happy.

I would also NEVER argue with my five year old niece
about her drop-off point at her school which she goes
to EVERY day and insist that "I'm right" while dropping her off
for the first time ever, because I'm so logical and adult
during which she's adamantly shaking her little
rubber-booted feet while strapped into the booster seat
telling me repeatedly to "go around the curve"
which just happened to be the opposite side of the
building to drop her off.

It was not me who ignored her polite sighs and
repeated protests that I was gonna make her late.

It will NEVER be me to admit that she was totally right and
I had, indeed, made her 15 minutes late and her sweet teacher
was still standing in the cold waiting to get her.
We love you Mrs. Lawrence!

It was SO not me that remembered ex post facto
her father telling me weeks and weeks ago
when we arranged this whole Auntie-Drop-Off-Fiasco
that her drop off door was NUMBER 13 and not
number 7 where we spent 15 minutes trying to unload
the little smarty-pants.

It was not me who prayed in Jesus' Holy Name that her toddler
would, "please God" not wake up in the middle of the night
and puke his bed full of spaghetti and meatballs
which his older brother was also lying in
after he briefly complained about a tummy-ache before going to bed.
(He didn't puke! Thank you Jesus!)

Not me who instructed much older, much larger
9 year old brother with "Eli, hit him back!" if his sweet, little,
TERRORIST of a 4 year old brother even dared to lay another body
part on him in ANY fashion at any future given point in their
conflict-rife lives EVER AGAIN. (This after their
15 ga-billioneth squabble for the weekend where Isaac,
aka 4 year old, uses his body Kamikaze style to exact punishment
on his larger, older, smarter, more-controlled,
in-trouble-less-often brother.)

It was not me that fed the dog a huge chunk of warm
chicken because he was sitting there looking at me
really fluffy and cute and was the ONLY
living being in the house not eating away at my brain
with their noises BEFORE I fed my family.

It is not me who justifies near daily toaster pastry
consumption *read PopTart* by aforementioned noisy children
as healthy because they're organic and from Whole Foods.

Again, not me, who knowingly dumped all of the exotic jelly bean
flavors together in a nice tidy cup and threw out the handy guide
telling which were yummy and which were, well, likely to be gross...
all to get rid of original, big, bulky box.

Not me who wouldn't let 9 year old son immediately spit out what
was very likely a Habenero flavored jelly bean
even when his eyes began to tear and he started to
cough, uncontrollably, because he was lying in MY bed
watching a movie on Family Movie Night.
(Go spit that junk out in the bathroom for
Pete's Sake!)

Lastly...it was not me who put their 4 year old in a night time diaper
instead of underwear for the day because all of EVERYONE'S
underwear, I do mean, ALL of it, was in the dirty laundry.
Oh, and you would never find me wearing my hubbie's
LAST pair of Fruit of the Looms because
of the same reason. That would be SCANDALOUS.

I can't believe all of the complete slacker moms
that there are out there!